January 10, 2008

Nuffink to do with me guv

If you've arrived here expecting to find the ramblings of a right-wing fruit-loop then you're in the wrong place.

If you really must read the Luton loony then he can be found here. Though I might suggest (but I would, wouldn't I) that the photos on my site might be rather better for your blood pressure and general sense of well-being.

There's only one position to adopt with fundamentalists, of any flavour: A pox on all of their houses.

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Tags: fundamentalism: Lionheart: Luton: rambling: right-wing: photography:


June 14, 2007

Found

After (and probably thanks to) a concerted effort by hundreds of bloggers, Felicity Lowde has been found, arrested, and remanded in custody until June 28 while pre-sentencing reports are prepared.

For more details see The Register, the Oxford Mail, the East London Advertiser, or Rachel's blog.

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June 01, 2007

Help find Felicity Lowde

Help Catch Felicity Jane Lowde
For all the details see here.

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Tags: help: find: wanted: Felicity: Lowde:


November 01, 2006

Samhain

Last year I was besieged by trick or treaters. A never-ending procession of them trooping up the path to the front door. Not that I really minded, but it would have been good to be able to put my feet up for an hour and chill. At one stage it was so busy that it seemed that they were working in relays. I'm sure I saw the same masks and costumes more than once. Were they popping round the corner and swapping outfits with their mates so they could work in relays?

So this year I was prepared. The fruit bowl was full of sweets (candies to our linguistically-challenged friends from across the pond who were, I believe, responsible for the trick or treat palaver in the first place) and strategically placed. And what happened? Almost nothing. One visit from two very sheepish looking ghouls, who seemed surprised when I told them to take another handful if they wanted.

So the chocolate supply was barely touched. Quality Street anyone? And what happened to Penny for the Guy?

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Tags: Samhain: trick: treat: sweets: chocolate:


August 21, 2006

Wordplay

While clearing out my inbox I came across this. It dates back to last year, if not before and I think it may have originated (in part at least) from the Washington Post's Style Invitational. I thought it was good enough to save somewhere:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

12. Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer man.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

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Tags: General: humour: words:


July 18, 2006

Sign of the times

I suspect this has already done the rounds of people's inboxes, but even though I'm not religious it made me smile...

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.

"Noah!" he roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed building regulations approval. I've been arguing with the fire brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have tree preservation orders on them and we live in a Site Of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the county council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to mire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked: "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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Tags: Noah: bureaucracy: government:


September 24, 2005

Eye-ful in the sky

At the risk of offending my German reader again

A group of Italian tourists got rather more than they bargained for when they decided to take a ride on the giant ferris wheel at the Munich Oktoberfest. Instead of getting a bird's eye view of the world famous beer festival they were treated to rather more shocking sight.

Two men and a woman joined them in the gondola, and promptly started to film an amateur porn movie. Unable to get off the ride, the tourists had to avert their gaze as the woman brandished a vibrator for the camera.

The actress, a political scientist and a student were arrested and charged with public indecency. "They said they weren’t doing it for commercial reasons," the police said. "They wanted to see how visitors would react.”

The Oktoberfest continues until October 3 and is expected to attract six million people, who will drink in the region of 5.5 million litres of beer. And just to show that beer is king in Germany…

Fans of Hamburg have won 10,000 litres of beer from a brewery, who put up the prize for the first team to beat Bayern Munich after they won the first six games of the season in the Bundesliga. “We wanted to create a bit of excitement,” the brewery said. “We’ve nothing against Bayern but there must be some tension.”

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Tags: amateur: Bayern: beer: Bundesliga: festival: football: Germany: Italy: Hamburg: movie: Munich: Oktoberfest: porn: sex: soccer: vibrator:


September 17, 2005

Pulling the wool

What's that they say about life imitating art?

A herd of sheep have been penned in a deserted factory in Zagreb and are constantly in the camera's gaze as they are visited by a flock of famous writers who try to entertain the poor lambs with readings from their works.

The event, part of an arts festival, has become a smash hit on Croatian television, which probably says a great deal about the standard of entertainment on offer in that part of the world. And not only can you follow every bleat on the web, you also get to vote for which sheep is next for the chop. If the beast chosen for eviction is not adopted by a viewer then the poor thing is headed for the slaughterhouse.

As you might imagine, the do-gooders do not approve. The Stado show has got the animal rights activists' goat. They've described the project as “scandalous” and said that people were being pressured into adopting a sheep just to save it from slaughter.

Sinisa Labrovic, whose idea it was, said: “I’m not torturing them. I am not an insensitive bastard who abuses animals." He claims the show is satire. "It shows that more and more people, especially those who take part in reality shows, are made to look like sheep in every situation”.

Pass the mint sauce please.

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Tags: art: Croatia: festival: lamb: mutton: reality: sheep: website: Zagreb:


September 08, 2005

Pretty pictures

I've replaced the photo of the day (which being rather large made it hard to see if anything new had been posted) with some scrolling thumbnails (above)

The code is still being tweaked, and more images are yet to be added, but mouse over pauses the display and clicking on any of the pictures will take let you see more.

You did know there were lots of wonderful photos on this site didn't you? No! Then you should take a look.

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Tags: lionheart: photography: website:


September 07, 2005

Out of tune

SK Berlaar women's team came about when a group of friends in Belgium got tired of standing on the sidelines watching their partners playing football. Something that started out as a bit of fun soon became an organised side, more than capable of holding their own in competitive matches. Unfortunately, this season Berlaar got drawn against the mighty KV Mechelen in the Antwerp Cup. Just to make matters worse, their first-choice goalkeeper decided to take the day off to go to a concert.

Stand-in goalkeeper Charlotte Jacobs must have had a sense of impending doom when Mechelen scored a mere four seconds after the kick-off. Come the interval and Berlaar were 27-0 down. "But after half-time we were able to recover," Jacobs said, trying to look on the bright side. "We only had to suffer another 23 goals and we scored once ourselves, right at the end. They allowed us to score. That was sweet of them.”

It's not clear what is the biggest losing margin ever in a competitive match, but the women of Berlaar definitely deserve a mention in football's hall of fame, if only for refusing to give up in the face of such overwhelming adversity.

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Tags: Belgium: Berlaar: defeat: football: goalkeeper: losers: Mechelen: soccer:


Sense of humour failure

Oh dear,

I've barely started exploring the "strange but true" / "wry sideways look at life" / "are people really that stupid" ... genre and I've annoyed someone already. So I guess I'm doing something right?

Athene Aquinas seems to have taken offence at the Everything you ever heard about Germans and deckchairs is true... post

"Hmm, I see you like Germans..." the resident of Munich moans. They've obviously got the hump.

Actually no. I don't like Germans. But nor do I dislike Germans either (go visit Spain if you want to meet people who SERIOUSLY don't like Germans). I'm totally neutral.

The account of the idiot who tried to get rid of the spiders with a D.I.Y flame-thrower would have been equally hilarious, whatever the nationality involved. Stupidity transcends state borders. So the fact that a German was involved is totally irrelevant.

But, like it or not, you have to accept that when it comes to sun-loungers by the pool then Germans have a certain reputation. And they can hardly complain if their behaviour reinforces the prejudice.

Was I "taking the Michael" for pointing this out? A note for the linguistically challenged... If you don't understand "taking the Michael" then go ask a friendly local Oirish-man. And assuming that he doesn't come from there in the first place, he can probably tell you some cracking tales about how stupid the folk are in Kerry. Other people's idiocy is a lingua franca after all.

So is this stereotyping? Only if you are so politically correct you really shouldn't be here in the first place. Or is it, to borrow from the Strine, "ripping the piss"? Yep, you've got the idea. If you haven't managed at least a little smirk or grimace then you obviously live in Germany and are suffering an acute sense of humour failure.

And as my correspondent wrote

> "Under that same logic, Americans would then be like Michael Jackson or was it Mike Tyson?"

Had they bothered to read rather than jump to conclusions, they might have got the impression that I think there are quite a few idiot Mercuns out there too. See the Cheeseburger in Caseville post for a prime example.

And if they really think we Brits can't laugh at ourselves they've obviously ignored, or missed the point of, Elspeth is right

Fear not. I promise I won't be horrid to Germans / Americans / (insert nationality to suit) in the next post. Unless you're from Belgium. Because it is their turn next. You know that old question about "how many famous Belgians can you name"? Most people can manage two (maybe).

I've got another 11 to add to the list. Though whether they'll want to be reminded about their place in the "Hall of Fame" is moot. But mockery is the best form of humour, after all.

Watch this space.

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Tags: America: angry: Belgium: Caseville: cheeseburger: deckchair: fools: Germany: humour: Mercuns: Munich: pool: sad: Spain: spiders: Strine: stupid: towel:


September 06, 2005

Everything you ever heard about Germans and deckchairs is true...

A German pensioner was so attached to his deckchair that he attacked a woman who moved his towel to another lounger at the pool in Bad Endbach.

When the 76-year-old man returned to his favourite spot he was furious to discover that a woman had moved his towel so she could sit next to her mother. "The other chair was just the same, but he didn’t want to use it," a policeman said.

The pensioner swore at the shocked woman and when she still didn't move he tipped the chair over, throwing her to the ground. “She couldn’t believe he went so far over such a trifle," the police said.

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Tags: angry: deckchair: Germany: pensioners: pool: stupid: towel:


September 03, 2005

Bad hair day

A German woman destroyed her family home as she tried to kill spiders in the garage with a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter.

Police in Zuelpich said that when the aerosol failed to kill the spiders the woman tried to burn them with the lighter. But this set the area she had just sprayed on fire and the blaze spread to a hedge. “She tried to put the fire out with a garden hose, but couldn’t," the police said.

"Instead, her semi-detached house next to the hedge caught fire. It’s now uninhabitable. The family have had to look for somewhere else to stay. The spiders are gone though; that problem was solved.”

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Tags: fire: garage: Germany: hair: home: lighter: spiders: stupid:


Elspeth is right

A pensioner who kept detailed records for more than 20 years on how many times he cut the grass has had them used as part of a major study on climate change.

David Grisenthwaite has made a note of every time he used his mower at his home in Kirkcaldy since 1984. He began recording the time and date of every occasion he cut the grass simply for the fun of it. “It all started when the Woodland Trust were looking for people to take part in a little ecological study," he said. "I just kept on going. I would make a note of when I’d cut the lawn and, of course, when you do it once you have to do it again. And once you’ve done it for a year you have to do another year to make a comparison with the last one. It only takes a second and it would be unforgivable to forget."

He also records how much garden waste he shreds and has memorised the bus timetables for Cumbria from the present day (not a lot of use when you are living in Scotland!) going back to 1920. Mr Grisenthwaite, who mowed the lawn this morning for the 32nd time this year said his long-suffering wife of 39 ears, Elspeth, 69, thought he was mad. “Elspeth is also a keen gardener and I just provide the labour really. She thinks I’m a nutter."

In case anyone thinks this is just too daft to be true, Mr Grisenthwaite’s data has been published in volume 60 of the Royal Meteorological Society Journal, titled: The Grass is Greener - For Longer".

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Tags: buses: climate: Cumbria: gardening: grass: Kirkcaldy: lawnmower: sad: Scotland: timetable: weather:


August 27, 2005

So there I was

Browsing a blog, as you do. And that led me on to another blog. Where the author said they had recently been here.

Since, up until then, the writer had had some interesting things to say, I thought I'd take a peek at the site.

OMG. I don't think another blogger has gone downhill in my estimation quite so quickly. Now I know that Mercuns are a bit strange at the best of time. And there really isn't much to do in Little Town, Hicksville. And I suppose it's not quite as scary as my previous Sad Site Of The Day but even so…

They cannot be serious, as J McEnroe used to say. A "Plunger Lunger" competition?! With prizes donated by the local hardware store??!! AND an "Uuug-lee Hawaiian Shirt Contest???!!!

And the really scary thing is that more than 130,000 people went to last year's event. The fact that they have a "Parade of Fools" event does seem rather apt.

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Tags: America: Caseville: cheeseburger: fools: Lionheart: Michigan: sad: website:


August 20, 2005

Sad Site Of The Day

http://www.sandalandsoxer.co.uk/home.htm

So toe-curlingly bad it's almost addictive. You can't resist scrolling down to see if it gets any worse (and it does!)

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Tags: feet: lionheart: sad: sandals: socks: website:


July 21, 2005

Spotted while out walking

Well it made me smile anyway...

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Tags: canal: lionheart: narrowboat: photography: walking:


June 25, 2005

Dog sitting

I have fond memories of Lils (but not of Hils).

Getting up at the crack of dawn (or, more often, being woken up by a barking bundle of energy who didn't want to be cooped up a moment longer).

The way she looked at me excitedly: "Please Sir, can we go out NOW?"

The way she knew that when I reached for my trainers her wish was about to be granted

She strained at the leash. She was still a little girl at heart. But she was growing up fast; learning to obey and understanding what the rules were. Until we had crossed the road and walked through the churchyard she had to behave.

Then I would set her free. To bound across the fields. And chase birds and rabbits. All of the time having fun. While keeping half an eye on me so she knew just how far she could go as she raced hither and thither.

When it was time to head for home she would sit while I hooked the rope back on to her collar. Because, back on the path, rules had to be obeyed.

But she'd still pull like a train on the road back home through the village. Because she knew we would return to bacon butties or sausage sandwiches. And she'd sit at the end of the kitchen counter with her wonderful liquid eyes.

"Please Sir. Dry biscuit is so dull. Tomato ketchup is so much more tasty..."

She undoubtedly "topped from the bottom". But she was adorable. And trusting. And loyal. Unlike the so-called sub I was dog-sitting with.

The moral of the tale? Man's best friend is...

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Tags: dogs: lionheart: walking:


May 28, 2005

Working too hard???

Just the thing to brighten up a Bank holiday weekend

Stress at work costs economy £100bn a year, says Mind

Excessive stress at work is causing an epidemic of depression and anxiety, costing the British economy about £100bn a year in lost output...

Staff work 14.3m days for free

Firms will receive £1.2bn-worth of free work from their staff this year because they will not take up all their holiday entitlement...

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Tags: holidays: lionheart: stress: work:


May 15, 2005

Markets, fairs or car boot sales suggestions needed

My partner and I have a range of items that we think would sell well to people interested in arts / crafts / pagan / homeopathic / green / alternative lifestyle / and similar spheres. The sort of things that would not look out of place at Camden / Greenwich / Spitalfields markets.

Except getting a stall at one of those markets is a) difficult and b) expensive. Especially as, at this stage, we just want to test the market for a few weeks.

Having done a bit of brain-storming we started to wonder whether there were any "up-market" car boot sales, country fairs or alternative markets that might be worth trying.

Ideally:
On a Sunday. All day would be good. Afternoon would be better than morning. We don't really want to have to get up at 3am to be on-site by 6am.
Within an hour or so's drive of central / east London.
Minimal fees. Say £25-30 for a spot that lets us put up a couple of trestle tables. We don't need any power or facilities. Just a chunk of space. And parking (which need not be adjacent to the pitch). Outdoor is fine.
Minimal formalities. No long-term contract or commitment. Just book a slot, turn up, pay our fee, and see how it goes. If we think it works we'd like a slot the following week. But if it doesn't then we won't.

All bright ideas, suggestions and off-the-wall thoughts welcome.

Provding you don't say ebay or sell online. We're already exploring that. And we're pretty certain that having a physical presence rather than a virtual one will work better for this particular element.

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Tags: fairs: lionheart: London: markets: sales: suggestions:



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